Time is Relative, relatively speaking....

Long long time, not so long, seems like yesterday and seems like forever
Things change, but things also stay the same, as in, the same rut, the same
circle, the same relationship foibles and fears.

Yes, I'm rambling, but why, so much to say, not so much time left
I've come to the realization that really, my life is heading for the proverbial sunset
the final years, the settling down and living peacefully, and I'm not ready.... is anyone
ever really ready? I have no idea... I've been all wrapped up in my little dysfunctional world
where I think I can make a difference to discover that really... no....
I have these grand illusions that my life will be one day,
a little cottage by the sea.... or a lake even... with my crafts, and my gardening and my books
and time to do the things I want to do, be a good friend, take things to people, see their
delighted smiles, cultivate friendships that have lain fallow

alas, I am so lacking in the real world
these are things I should be doing now
that maybe I do, but to a way lesser extent
I wanted to wait until my life was perfect, and sane, and done with demands
from responsibilities....
I just wanted to do it 'cause I wanted to do it
and live cozily by the sea
sweeping sand from the doorsills
having my children stop by for coffee and a chat
and bring their bright eyed little children
who were perfectly behaved and loved their gramma

i'm so silly sometimes

as if it were a practice run, and this time i'll get it right

it wasn't
I won't
I just need to try harder
for the moment, for the now
and make the desires of my heart
a reality
in a real
living
breathing
present
world.

amen

#theendisnigh #wishes #dreams #runningonempty

Just a note to keep in touch.....

Winter is here, but hopefully spring is just around the corner
A time for new beginnings
Happiness, birds chirping and flowers blooming
New resolutions
New decisions
New Life

🐍. Snakes

I had a dream this morning that I was sitting on the couch and totally, totally covered in snakes. I couldn't figure how to get them off me. They weren't biting or squeezing or anything, but I felt as if I was drowning in them. 

Then someone came in the room and I told them to get them off.  As soon as I said the word 'Off', they slithered to the floor and away... Mostly away anyway.... At least to the other side of the room. So strange.  What is that trying to tell me I wonder??  

The New Road

Kiss me sweet when I come home ask me how my day has gone touch my back in that spot there show me truly how you care you say that you love me that you couldn't live without me you depend on my providing for the life that you enjoy you take me when you want me and I let you have your way But at night when you are sleeping and the kitchen faucet's leaking and the garbage wasn't taken out again, like it should be Then I think of all the stories that happy women tell me and I yearn for men like they have that take care of what they need I would love for you to want me to be happy when I come home To have supper waiting for me and the dishes have been done the bedroom chaos picked up and a kiss upon your lips Wrap me gently in your strong arms and tell me how you're doing Let me feel the love outpouring from your heart and into mine Keep the roof above from leaking and the lawn all neat and pretty and by keeping up with those things I'd be grateful for all time But there's never any love here It's TV and your cell phone playing games and never talking Never taking care of me I work so hard all day long and a sancutary should be the place that I can go to when I've given all I can I need to feel I'm filled up, from a peaceul flowing fountain but my life runs at a deficit every hour every day. So let me tell you this to warn you The day will come that I don't call you That I don't turn the car down our street and I drive the other way I can't lose what I don't have here it can't make me any sadder to be alone out in the world when I'm alone with you each day. No tender touches waiting No kisses on my forehead No conversation ever about what our purpose is There is nothing more that I can do to give you any more There is nothing left inside me That hasn't all been poured I've been drained for twenty years Never once have I felt filled up after spending time with you I've given more than I have to you and all your needs and if it sounds selfish then that's the way it will be But I've not been kissed in so long Not been held or touched or felt love That all that's left of me is a cardboard cut-out girl I can't pay for your existence work overtime to make up for all the the time that you don't work and the money you don't have Even when the house is breaking you don't see the cracks appearing and I feel just like this house does cold, neglected, left alone Ive never been unfaithful Never reached out for another Never broke the vows that I made those many years aso But I can't go on in this way feeling less and less a woman Feeling tossed aside and used only for the money that I make So I'm passing by our street and I'm heading down a side road and if I don't see you, I wish you all the best. ause there's nothing here to hold me Our kids have grown and left me and you never even held me the night my mother passed away I can't tell you any more the things that I am needing You never ever get it you just wait for it to pass It's not passing by though this time I'm headed out to sea and If I never get to see you it was nice, but I don't need it I just want a hand to hold mine someone to really see That I'm a special person full of love and plans and purpose Full of things I have to share and things I need to be And I'm sorry that it took such a long time to arrive here But I thought that I was saving what was meant to be But really, should a person never feel the soft warm kisses that our hearts were meant to give Never feel her pulses quicken when a voice touches her ear The safe haven we are meant for Should be there for one another and if that's not existing we should push off from the shore And if I never find it If that peace remains elusive well at least I know I tried to I Lived and Loved along the way.

Wow.... so inconsistent I am. 
I want to vent about all the things that I think are wrong, and the things that other people are doing, or Not Doing, that are causing me grief... but really... They aren't causing it...

MY reaction to it is.  How I view it, How I perceive it.  And really, I can change that.

I am trying to focus more on the reactions that I have, and less on the Actions of Others. 

So, I am just reminding myself of that.... and I will be able to be more at peace with it...

I do know when I concentrate on my own self and my own buttons, I can catch it early, and be better....

2013 late ;)

So, I've missed the beginning of the new year. 

Imagine that. 

I never seem to be on time for anything.  I push my plans aside and just do what needs to be done, because I didn't do it when I had time, so now..... it is emergent... Well, that's just me I guess.

I wanted to have such a different approach to the new year, new me, new plans and well, maybe old plans in a new and Real Light.... Where I actually Believe I can make it happen. 


Here goes, this is for me

Remember you were Are going to  
  LIVE healthier... eat more nutritiously   healthy for your body, not the sugar crave that you feel the need to indulge

 And Exercise, walk more, go to the gym and Tend to your body, so you can Tend To Your Soul

 Get those things Done, that need doing.... and you know all the paperwork that entails, like taxes and improve your credit score... procrastination will get you every time.

Meditate.... this at least is coming along, discovery, thinking before acting, attempting to put my own needs in the mix of things along with all the other.

Realize that people are, what they are, and I cannot change that.... Change, meaningful change, comes from within... when you realize that it needs to happen.

OK, I'm going to begin again... I say that a lot, but I Am. 

Today

It seems like I didn't do much today, slept a lot, actually fell back asleep and didn't wake up til late... so unproductive of me... Bad Bad Bad

But if I think about it really, I just didn't do much Tasking.  Like cleaning, or washing, or rearranging. 

I actually had a little chat with an old friend who is now a surgeon, just starting his practice, and had the chance to remind him that he is missed, he is thought well of, and that there is a plan for him, even with kinks and bumps in the road.

I found my dress pants.... ;)  and wore them, to the funeral home.  To see an old old friend, well, his family really, since it was his funeral. 

I did manage to put a chicken pot pie in the oven for dinner. 
I talked to my in-laws.
Talked to a man about selling an old van we have. (he'll be back tomorrow)
Wished my cousin a Happy Birthday on FB, and sent her a couple reminders of the 'old days'.
Paid a bill that was late.
Reset some banking passwords so I could get into the account, finally.
Talked to another friend about meditation class, and how we can get together next week.

And have been thinking about how all kinds of old friends come out to see someone that has died.  I used to think that was weird, but I see now it is a way of reconnecting.  To the days that have gone by, when we were young, and carefree and pure.  Well, as pure as elementary school children are... Those memories we have locked up in our hearts and our heads start bubbling to the surface when poked by death.  The I remembers, and Do you remembers start breaking through, and then we can TALK about them, with the people that Actually remember .... It is really so much fun, and so trip back in time-ish....

And of course, everyone doesn't remember everything, or was even involved in Every Thing, but the ambiance, the reminiscence, the purity of the time comes back, and for a moment, bathes you in the freshness of your own innocence.  So sweet, so touching.... Thank  you Jeff. <3

I guess I did do a little today, good for me.