I ran into a friend today... one I don't see often anymore, but one that I have watched grow and blossom and come into her own, without so much pushing.
And she is Happy.... and she feels Happy, and blessed, and empowered.
Yes, I am older than she... I could probably be her mom... but that is a perk of working in a place where age is not the biggest detriment, or barrier.... so we are friends, and I learned A Lot from her, about technology, about how to Not act around people, how to be tolerant... and how to just listen sometimes.... without judging. :)
I walked away feeling more Open, if you will, more ready to realize my own potential, and not just realize it... but to feel that I deserve it... and that I can not only Ask for it, but actually Expect it to Be.
What really rang true for me today, no matter how many times I have heard it is, I Am the One who Controls my feelings, my emotional state, my physical state, My Health, My Welfare, My Being. Really... Me.
Of course, kids and husbands and friends can all contribute to that state, but they don't Govern it. I am happy when my kids are happy, and love to buy things for my husband that he likes.... it makes Me Happy.
Sadly, I have noticed lately that it is Automatic in me.... I know he likes it, so I get it... and a little part of me says.... He doesn't deserve it... because I don't feel the same 'consideration' from him.
Now truly... I don't give to get... but if the warm smiling feelings no longer pop up when I am doing something special for someone I love, then does that mean that I don't really want to do them??. They take so much time, effort and emotion from me sometimes... because I guess I do have an expectation that they will be appreciated, and when they aren't.... or are never even acknowledged, it is hurtful.
There really is so much more to explore about this, but for now, let me just say, that I've learned... or really taken in, the lesson that I am the one that has the say in how happy I am, how clean my house is, how joyful my life. Even if it doesn't sound like it, that is a really huge step for me.... I guess I just needed the warm up before I was ready for the pitch.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Who Knew??
Doing things I've never done, seeing things I've never seen, feeling things I've never felt and trying things I've never tried. It doesn't seem like you should be my age before all this gets done.... Wouldn't you think that if childhood, or teenhood experiences had been more broad, it would have opened my eyes more, made me realize I had Different Options.... ?
Instead of feeling like always stumbling along in the dark, looking for the bright spot to shine through, and not even knowing what it was, what could be, what opportunites awaited....
Oh my...
just thoughts, and feelings
and experiences
and freedom to choose, and to be and to learn. :)
Doing things I've never done, seeing things I've never seen, feeling things I've never felt and trying things I've never tried. It doesn't seem like you should be my age before all this gets done.... Wouldn't you think that if childhood, or teenhood experiences had been more broad, it would have opened my eyes more, made me realize I had Different Options.... ?
Instead of feeling like always stumbling along in the dark, looking for the bright spot to shine through, and not even knowing what it was, what could be, what opportunites awaited....
Oh my...
just thoughts, and feelings
and experiences
and freedom to choose, and to be and to learn. :)
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Talk to Me please......
Oh My Goodness. Sometimes I just want to cry. People can be so mean, and strike out with such hateful, cruel, untruths sometimes... I know it is just a defense mechanism... insecurity in their own abilities, their own person hood, their own perception of their place in life wreaks havoc with self-confidence.
That is so sad... I really do not understand why .... if they are confused or upset, they just don't Ask what is happening, try to stay in communication, listen and actually hear what is going on in the other people's minds and hearts.... Most of the time it is a false perception.... and it's on Both sides.
I would like to think that Understanding, empathy and compassion are much more effective than name-calling, blaming and taking things out of context.
Don't we all love each other? Don't we just want to be able to live our lives in peace and harmony as God's children? We want to help, not harm, we want to understand, not judge, we want to enjoy our children, our parents our friends, and be as helpful as we can to those less fortunate.... and by helping them, I do not mean doing it For them. ;)
We want to discover our passion, follow our bliss, and enlighten others along the way.
We have a need to Find our Joy.
And I should be happy for You, as You should be happy for me. We don't intentionally try to hurt each other, but with miscommunication and misunderstanding and conclusion jumping it just becomes one big convoluted mess.
I don't have to agree with you. You don't have to agree with me. If you judge me, I will forgive you, because somehow your experience and feelings regarding yourself is what you are really judging.... you just see it in me.
But can't we Empathize with each other? If we are all adults, then we have the same rights. To love and be loved.... but we don't do that by taking away from others because we can't find it in ourselves....
And if we can't find it in ourselves, someone else can't do it for us.
No amount of giving of Myself will allow You to find your true happiness.
I know some people don't understand this, but I really hope that one day, all the hurtful blaming and misperception and resentment that causes their hearts to ache with discontent, be it lack of education, money, job security or a soul to soul relationship.... or any of the things that they feel entitled to, .... one day, they can realize, that it must be their own doing, their own path, their own hard work that will fill them with joy.
Not Mine.
And I myself need to realize, that as much as I love and adore them, any amount of enabling of them is not good for them, and their growth as a fully formed, well rounded member of society.
Trying to explain something they do not understand, only makes me frustrated.
You can charm me, you can cajole me, you can even guilt me..... but that is My issue, and I will do my best, with the help of God, to do what is right.
That does not mean giving you every piece of my heart, my soul, my life so that you can scarf it down and ask for more, because it was easy for you.
It isn't easy for me to learn, to earn, to live and love..... It is my own hard work, my own sorrow, my own life blood, my own triumphs that go into food for my soul, for my heart. I give you all that is possible, and I try and teach you, and hope you learn the rest.
I am sorry you are so sad.... you have the methods and the tools to get to the bottom of your pain. My tools won't work for you, we each have our own personalized set.
I love you, I adore you, and I hope one day all the extraneous noise of the world will fade away and you can find your true self.
That is so sad... I really do not understand why .... if they are confused or upset, they just don't Ask what is happening, try to stay in communication, listen and actually hear what is going on in the other people's minds and hearts.... Most of the time it is a false perception.... and it's on Both sides.
I would like to think that Understanding, empathy and compassion are much more effective than name-calling, blaming and taking things out of context.
Don't we all love each other? Don't we just want to be able to live our lives in peace and harmony as God's children? We want to help, not harm, we want to understand, not judge, we want to enjoy our children, our parents our friends, and be as helpful as we can to those less fortunate.... and by helping them, I do not mean doing it For them. ;)
We want to discover our passion, follow our bliss, and enlighten others along the way.
We have a need to Find our Joy.
And I should be happy for You, as You should be happy for me. We don't intentionally try to hurt each other, but with miscommunication and misunderstanding and conclusion jumping it just becomes one big convoluted mess.
I don't have to agree with you. You don't have to agree with me. If you judge me, I will forgive you, because somehow your experience and feelings regarding yourself is what you are really judging.... you just see it in me.
But can't we Empathize with each other? If we are all adults, then we have the same rights. To love and be loved.... but we don't do that by taking away from others because we can't find it in ourselves....
And if we can't find it in ourselves, someone else can't do it for us.
No amount of giving of Myself will allow You to find your true happiness.
I know some people don't understand this, but I really hope that one day, all the hurtful blaming and misperception and resentment that causes their hearts to ache with discontent, be it lack of education, money, job security or a soul to soul relationship.... or any of the things that they feel entitled to, .... one day, they can realize, that it must be their own doing, their own path, their own hard work that will fill them with joy.
Not Mine.
And I myself need to realize, that as much as I love and adore them, any amount of enabling of them is not good for them, and their growth as a fully formed, well rounded member of society.
Trying to explain something they do not understand, only makes me frustrated.
You can charm me, you can cajole me, you can even guilt me..... but that is My issue, and I will do my best, with the help of God, to do what is right.
That does not mean giving you every piece of my heart, my soul, my life so that you can scarf it down and ask for more, because it was easy for you.
It isn't easy for me to learn, to earn, to live and love..... It is my own hard work, my own sorrow, my own life blood, my own triumphs that go into food for my soul, for my heart. I give you all that is possible, and I try and teach you, and hope you learn the rest.
I am sorry you are so sad.... you have the methods and the tools to get to the bottom of your pain. My tools won't work for you, we each have our own personalized set.
I love you, I adore you, and I hope one day all the extraneous noise of the world will fade away and you can find your true self.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
My Son is 17 Today
I don't think we ever actually see the moment our child, our baby is 'grown'. It happens all along the way, in small little steps that we reinforce or thwart. Every action is cumulative, building one upon the other. Positive, negative, neutral. Like snowflakes, never one alike, close, but never exactly the same.
We can look back and see the path, and sometimes, we can see bits and pieces of what is coming, if we have enough foresight to look forward, but the end result, ever changing, circumstance, genetics, experience, nurturing, create an unknown finale.
It isn't really chance, but more a preordained direction, on a road with twists and turns interlacing with all the other children's journey's.
Quite profound when you think about it, and quite not as in our control as we would like to think. Oh, we can bathe in the imagined guilt of our own influence when it turns out 'bad', and bask in the light of our our pride when it turns out 'good'. But really, who is the only one who has the control? The child and the person he becomes, his choices, his talents and his intuition. Just as we were formed, so then they.
Perhaps we need to just relax a bit, and not take so much responsibility for the way we imagine we are making their lives turn out. The foundation we start them with, our entwined genetic code, who we choose as a mate, is probably the most determining factor on how they perceive the world, how they choose to act, or not, how they think, feel and prepare themselves.
Our job.... well, our job, as far as I can tell, is just to Love them.
We can look back and see the path, and sometimes, we can see bits and pieces of what is coming, if we have enough foresight to look forward, but the end result, ever changing, circumstance, genetics, experience, nurturing, create an unknown finale.
It isn't really chance, but more a preordained direction, on a road with twists and turns interlacing with all the other children's journey's.
Quite profound when you think about it, and quite not as in our control as we would like to think. Oh, we can bathe in the imagined guilt of our own influence when it turns out 'bad', and bask in the light of our our pride when it turns out 'good'. But really, who is the only one who has the control? The child and the person he becomes, his choices, his talents and his intuition. Just as we were formed, so then they.
Perhaps we need to just relax a bit, and not take so much responsibility for the way we imagine we are making their lives turn out. The foundation we start them with, our entwined genetic code, who we choose as a mate, is probably the most determining factor on how they perceive the world, how they choose to act, or not, how they think, feel and prepare themselves.
Our job.... well, our job, as far as I can tell, is just to Love them.
Halloween, many moons ago. :)
Sunday, December 11, 2011
We Are All Sisters
Yes, we are. Acknowledged or not. Sisters of the Blood, Sisters of the Heart, Sisters of the Soul. And we have brothers. Why do we forget that really, we all came from the same place, and we will all go to the same end? Birth, Life, Death.
What we do in the in-between....the Life part....that is what really matters. The people, sisters, brothers you meet on your travels, enrich you, enlighten you.... some seem to help, some seem to hurt....but we Always Learn.
It took me a long time to really Realize how interconnected we are. Most of us don't live our lives in a vacuum.... even when we want to be alone.... we must poke our heads out of our turtle shells and tend to the business of life... work, groceries, eating and caring for our selves or our families.
I thought that I always had to 'Do It Myself'. And mainly, that's how I lived. But sisters enrich us so... and not always the sisters we were born to.
Sisters that just 'connect' with you. You can Feel the Click, like a seat belt being fastened, the sound of safety.
Sisters that touch your heart, that you feel extra caring of, that make you Feel the love you have inside you, and how you want to just pour it out upon them.
It amazes me that somehow we get caught up in the 'sister' in the next car over that cut us off, or the 'sister' that took an obscenely long time trying to order at the restaurant, because she wanted the cheeseburger, without the tomato, but could they put extra onions on, and then light mustard, but heavy mayo and and and.... after she dragged you there because they have 'the Best Food'.
We must remember that we all do these things sometimes, maybe the one that cut us off was rushing to the hospital because her dad just had a heart attack, and she was only paying attention to the need to be there NOW. I understand that. And someone who has to micromanage the kitchen and the way it prepares what she wants, well, maybe that is the only thing she feels she can control right now, what with 2 toddlers, a husband who travels for work and a weight issue. We never know, but really, in some way or another, we've all been there.
So, at Christmas time, maybe we could remember a little more Peace On Earth, Goodwill To Men, and just, Let It Go.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Chaos
—Synonyms 1. disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.
—Antonyms 1. order, peace, calm.
I Will Not go back to That Place. I Will Not. Even if most things around me are in chaos, all jumbled up and confused, I have carved out a few things that, even though it takes careful thought, I have made Organized. Like Where I put my debit card and license. In My Purse. EveryTime. It has taken me Years to figure this out. And I rarely lose it anymore. I try to Think about what I am doing.
I Write on my calendar my appointments. I am much better about this, but I have already misplaced 2 calendar's this year. Not So Great. :(
I Organize myself at work, I am diligent about it, I am persistant, I am.... well, I still find myself sometimes, in that 11th hour of work, scrambling. But I am totally aware of what I do that puts me behind. And I continue to work hard to bring that under control.
I don't know if all the chaos in my house, or in my head, or in my relationships is there because I think it is necessary. It screens me from the true issues.
Yes, I have at least figured that out.
It makes me feel that I work best Under Pressure. Only because I Must ....because I procrastinate, and wait until I Have To buckle down and get it done.
I still lose my keys, my purse, my glasses, on a regular basis.
Is this on purpose? Because then it forces someone to help me find them?
Hmmmm.... that is an interesting thought. Because I always feel that I never have help, that always I must do things on my own. Perhaps it forces me to Ask for Help. Because I Must.
I cannot control everything.
Actually, I cannot control Anything. Except me and My reactions. Isn't that right? ;)
Yea, I thought so. Dang Logic.
So now, with this little sliding back, forgetting to pay a bill, being oh so late for an appointment.... I used to just cancel them, but I didn't with this one, I actually acknowledged that I had messed up, and went anyway. . . . Why did I do that?
Organize, think straight, forethought, prepare, plan, and do.
I think I need to make a Things I Need To Examine About Me list.
Oh goodness gracious, if I write it down, then I will have to do something about it. How scary is That???
Call the Dr. and Keep the appointment.
Commit to School.
Eat better, and feed my brain, not my belly. :)
Learn....really, Learn to Meditate.
What a list.
Begin.
Again.
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