Time is Relative, relatively speaking....

Long long time, not so long, seems like yesterday and seems like forever
Things change, but things also stay the same, as in, the same rut, the same
circle, the same relationship foibles and fears.

Yes, I'm rambling, but why, so much to say, not so much time left
I've come to the realization that really, my life is heading for the proverbial sunset
the final years, the settling down and living peacefully, and I'm not ready.... is anyone
ever really ready? I have no idea... I've been all wrapped up in my little dysfunctional world
where I think I can make a difference to discover that really... no....
I have these grand illusions that my life will be one day,
a little cottage by the sea.... or a lake even... with my crafts, and my gardening and my books
and time to do the things I want to do, be a good friend, take things to people, see their
delighted smiles, cultivate friendships that have lain fallow

alas, I am so lacking in the real world
these are things I should be doing now
that maybe I do, but to a way lesser extent
I wanted to wait until my life was perfect, and sane, and done with demands
from responsibilities....
I just wanted to do it 'cause I wanted to do it
and live cozily by the sea
sweeping sand from the doorsills
having my children stop by for coffee and a chat
and bring their bright eyed little children
who were perfectly behaved and loved their gramma

i'm so silly sometimes

as if it were a practice run, and this time i'll get it right

it wasn't
I won't
I just need to try harder
for the moment, for the now
and make the desires of my heart
a reality
in a real
living
breathing
present
world.

amen

#theendisnigh #wishes #dreams #runningonempty

Just a note to keep in touch.....

Winter is here, but hopefully spring is just around the corner
A time for new beginnings
Happiness, birds chirping and flowers blooming
New resolutions
New decisions
New Life

🐍. Snakes

I had a dream this morning that I was sitting on the couch and totally, totally covered in snakes. I couldn't figure how to get them off me. They weren't biting or squeezing or anything, but I felt as if I was drowning in them. 

Then someone came in the room and I told them to get them off.  As soon as I said the word 'Off', they slithered to the floor and away... Mostly away anyway.... At least to the other side of the room. So strange.  What is that trying to tell me I wonder??  

The New Road

Kiss me sweet when I come home ask me how my day has gone touch my back in that spot there show me truly how you care you say that you love me that you couldn't live without me you depend on my providing for the life that you enjoy you take me when you want me and I let you have your way But at night when you are sleeping and the kitchen faucet's leaking and the garbage wasn't taken out again, like it should be Then I think of all the stories that happy women tell me and I yearn for men like they have that take care of what they need I would love for you to want me to be happy when I come home To have supper waiting for me and the dishes have been done the bedroom chaos picked up and a kiss upon your lips Wrap me gently in your strong arms and tell me how you're doing Let me feel the love outpouring from your heart and into mine Keep the roof above from leaking and the lawn all neat and pretty and by keeping up with those things I'd be grateful for all time But there's never any love here It's TV and your cell phone playing games and never talking Never taking care of me I work so hard all day long and a sancutary should be the place that I can go to when I've given all I can I need to feel I'm filled up, from a peaceul flowing fountain but my life runs at a deficit every hour every day. So let me tell you this to warn you The day will come that I don't call you That I don't turn the car down our street and I drive the other way I can't lose what I don't have here it can't make me any sadder to be alone out in the world when I'm alone with you each day. No tender touches waiting No kisses on my forehead No conversation ever about what our purpose is There is nothing more that I can do to give you any more There is nothing left inside me That hasn't all been poured I've been drained for twenty years Never once have I felt filled up after spending time with you I've given more than I have to you and all your needs and if it sounds selfish then that's the way it will be But I've not been kissed in so long Not been held or touched or felt love That all that's left of me is a cardboard cut-out girl I can't pay for your existence work overtime to make up for all the the time that you don't work and the money you don't have Even when the house is breaking you don't see the cracks appearing and I feel just like this house does cold, neglected, left alone Ive never been unfaithful Never reached out for another Never broke the vows that I made those many years aso But I can't go on in this way feeling less and less a woman Feeling tossed aside and used only for the money that I make So I'm passing by our street and I'm heading down a side road and if I don't see you, I wish you all the best. ause there's nothing here to hold me Our kids have grown and left me and you never even held me the night my mother passed away I can't tell you any more the things that I am needing You never ever get it you just wait for it to pass It's not passing by though this time I'm headed out to sea and If I never get to see you it was nice, but I don't need it I just want a hand to hold mine someone to really see That I'm a special person full of love and plans and purpose Full of things I have to share and things I need to be And I'm sorry that it took such a long time to arrive here But I thought that I was saving what was meant to be But really, should a person never feel the soft warm kisses that our hearts were meant to give Never feel her pulses quicken when a voice touches her ear The safe haven we are meant for Should be there for one another and if that's not existing we should push off from the shore And if I never find it If that peace remains elusive well at least I know I tried to I Lived and Loved along the way.

Wow.... so inconsistent I am. 
I want to vent about all the things that I think are wrong, and the things that other people are doing, or Not Doing, that are causing me grief... but really... They aren't causing it...

MY reaction to it is.  How I view it, How I perceive it.  And really, I can change that.

I am trying to focus more on the reactions that I have, and less on the Actions of Others. 

So, I am just reminding myself of that.... and I will be able to be more at peace with it...

I do know when I concentrate on my own self and my own buttons, I can catch it early, and be better....

2013 late ;)

So, I've missed the beginning of the new year. 

Imagine that. 

I never seem to be on time for anything.  I push my plans aside and just do what needs to be done, because I didn't do it when I had time, so now..... it is emergent... Well, that's just me I guess.

I wanted to have such a different approach to the new year, new me, new plans and well, maybe old plans in a new and Real Light.... Where I actually Believe I can make it happen. 


Here goes, this is for me

Remember you were Are going to  
  LIVE healthier... eat more nutritiously   healthy for your body, not the sugar crave that you feel the need to indulge

 And Exercise, walk more, go to the gym and Tend to your body, so you can Tend To Your Soul

 Get those things Done, that need doing.... and you know all the paperwork that entails, like taxes and improve your credit score... procrastination will get you every time.

Meditate.... this at least is coming along, discovery, thinking before acting, attempting to put my own needs in the mix of things along with all the other.

Realize that people are, what they are, and I cannot change that.... Change, meaningful change, comes from within... when you realize that it needs to happen.

OK, I'm going to begin again... I say that a lot, but I Am. 

Today

It seems like I didn't do much today, slept a lot, actually fell back asleep and didn't wake up til late... so unproductive of me... Bad Bad Bad

But if I think about it really, I just didn't do much Tasking.  Like cleaning, or washing, or rearranging. 

I actually had a little chat with an old friend who is now a surgeon, just starting his practice, and had the chance to remind him that he is missed, he is thought well of, and that there is a plan for him, even with kinks and bumps in the road.

I found my dress pants.... ;)  and wore them, to the funeral home.  To see an old old friend, well, his family really, since it was his funeral. 

I did manage to put a chicken pot pie in the oven for dinner. 
I talked to my in-laws.
Talked to a man about selling an old van we have. (he'll be back tomorrow)
Wished my cousin a Happy Birthday on FB, and sent her a couple reminders of the 'old days'.
Paid a bill that was late.
Reset some banking passwords so I could get into the account, finally.
Talked to another friend about meditation class, and how we can get together next week.

And have been thinking about how all kinds of old friends come out to see someone that has died.  I used to think that was weird, but I see now it is a way of reconnecting.  To the days that have gone by, when we were young, and carefree and pure.  Well, as pure as elementary school children are... Those memories we have locked up in our hearts and our heads start bubbling to the surface when poked by death.  The I remembers, and Do you remembers start breaking through, and then we can TALK about them, with the people that Actually remember .... It is really so much fun, and so trip back in time-ish....

And of course, everyone doesn't remember everything, or was even involved in Every Thing, but the ambiance, the reminiscence, the purity of the time comes back, and for a moment, bathes you in the freshness of your own innocence.  So sweet, so touching.... Thank  you Jeff. <3

I guess I did do a little today, good for me.

when it hits

I ran into a friend today... one I don't see often anymore, but one that I have watched grow and blossom and come into her own, without so much pushing. 
And she is Happy.... and she feels Happy, and blessed, and empowered. 

Yes, I am older than she... I could probably be her mom... but that is a perk of working in a place where age is not the biggest detriment, or barrier.... so we are friends, and I learned A Lot from her, about technology, about how to Not act around people, how to be tolerant... and  how to just listen sometimes.... without judging. :) 

I walked away feeling more Open, if you will, more ready to realize my own potential, and not just realize it... but to feel that I deserve it... and that I can not only Ask for it, but actually Expect it to Be. 

What really rang true for me today, no matter how many times I have heard it is, I Am the One who Controls my feelings, my emotional state, my physical state,  My Health, My Welfare, My Being.  Really... Me. 

Of course, kids and husbands and friends can all contribute to that state, but they don't Govern it.  I am happy when my kids are happy, and love to buy things for my husband that he likes.... it makes Me Happy.  

Sadly, I have noticed lately that it is Automatic in me.... I know he likes it, so I get it... and a little part of me says.... He doesn't deserve it... because I don't feel the same 'consideration' from him. 

Now truly... I don't give to get... but if the warm smiling feelings no longer pop up when I am doing something special for someone I love, then does that mean that I don't really want to do them??.  They take so much time, effort and emotion from me sometimes... because I guess I do have an expectation that they will be appreciated, and when they aren't.... or are never even acknowledged, it is hurtful. 

There really is so much more to explore about this, but for now, let me just say, that I've learned... or really taken in, the lesson that I am the one that has the say in how happy I am, how clean my house is, how joyful my life.  Even if it doesn't sound like it, that is a really huge step for me.... I guess I just needed the warm up before I was ready for the pitch.

allididwaslisten.blogspot.com

rachel awes art is AWESome  :)

Who Knew??

Doing things I've never done, seeing things I've never seen, feeling things I've never felt and trying things I've never tried.  It doesn't seem like you should be my age before all this gets done.... Wouldn't you think that if childhood, or teenhood experiences had been more broad, it would have opened my eyes more, made me realize I had Different Options.... ?

Instead of feeling like always stumbling along in the dark, looking for the bright spot to shine through, and not even knowing what it was, what could be, what opportunites awaited....

Oh my...

just thoughts, and feelings

and experiences

and     freedom to choose, and to be and to learn.  :) 

Talk to Me please......

Oh My Goodness.   Sometimes I just want to cry.  People can be so mean, and strike out with such hateful, cruel, untruths sometimes... I know it is just a defense mechanism... insecurity in their own abilities, their own person hood, their own perception of their place in life wreaks havoc with self-confidence.

That is so sad... I really do not understand why .... if they are confused or upset, they just don't Ask what is happening, try to stay in communication, listen and actually hear what is going on in the other people's minds and hearts.... Most of the time it is a false perception.... and it's on Both sides. 

I would like to think that Understanding, empathy and compassion are much more effective than name-calling, blaming and taking things out of context. 

Don't we all love each other? Don't we just want to be able to live our lives in peace and harmony as God's children?  We want to help, not harm, we want to understand, not judge, we want to enjoy our children, our parents our friends, and be as helpful as we can to those less fortunate.... and by helping them, I do not mean doing it For them. ;)
We want to discover our passion, follow our bliss, and enlighten others along the way. 

We have a need to Find our Joy.

And I should be happy for You, as You should be happy for me.  We don't intentionally try to hurt each other, but with miscommunication and misunderstanding and conclusion jumping it just becomes one big convoluted mess. 

I don't have to agree with you.  You don't have to agree with me. If you judge me, I will forgive you, because somehow your experience and feelings regarding yourself is what you are really judging.... you just see it in me.

But can't we Empathize with each other?  If we are all adults, then we have the same rights. To love and be loved.... but we don't do that by taking away from others because we can't find it in ourselves....

And if we can't find it in ourselves, someone else can't do it for us.

No amount of giving of Myself will allow You to find your true happiness. 
I know some people don't understand this, but I really hope that one day, all the hurtful blaming and misperception and resentment that causes their hearts to ache with discontent, be it lack of education, money, job security or a soul to soul relationship.... or any of the things that they feel entitled to, .... one day, they can realize, that it must be their own doing, their own path, their own hard work that will fill them with joy.

Not Mine.

And I myself need to realize, that as much as I love and adore them, any amount of enabling of them is not good for them, and their growth as a fully formed, well rounded member of society.
Trying to explain something they do not understand, only makes me frustrated. 
You can charm me, you can cajole me, you can even guilt me..... but that is My issue, and I will do my best, with the help of God, to do what is right. 
That does not mean giving you every piece of my heart, my soul, my life so that you can scarf it down and ask for more, because it was easy for you.
 
It isn't easy for me to learn, to earn, to live and love..... It is my own hard work, my own sorrow, my own life blood, my own triumphs that go into food for my soul, for my heart.  I give you all that is possible, and I try and teach you, and hope you learn the rest.

I am sorry you are so sad.... you have the methods and the tools to get to the bottom of your pain.  My tools won't work for you, we each have our own personalized set.

I love you, I adore you, and I hope one day all the extraneous noise of the world will fade away and you can find your true self.

My Son is 17 Today

I don't think we ever actually see the moment our child, our baby is 'grown'.  It happens all along the way, in small little steps that we reinforce or thwart.  Every action is cumulative, building one upon the other. Positive, negative, neutral. Like snowflakes, never one alike, close, but never exactly the same. 

We can look back and see the path, and sometimes, we can see bits and pieces of what is coming, if we have enough foresight to look forward, but the end result, ever changing, circumstance, genetics, experience, nurturing, create an unknown finale. 

It isn't really chance, but more a preordained direction, on a road with twists and turns interlacing with all the other children's journey's.

Quite profound when you think about it, and quite not as in our control as we would like to think.  Oh, we can bathe in the imagined guilt of our own influence when it turns out 'bad', and bask in the light of our our pride when it turns out 'good'.  But really, who is the only one who has the control?  The child and the person he becomes, his choices, his talents and his intuition.  Just as we were formed, so then they.

Perhaps we need to just relax a bit, and not take so much responsibility for the way we imagine we are making their lives turn out.  The foundation we start them with, our entwined genetic code, who we choose as a mate, is probably the most determining factor on how they perceive the world, how they choose to act, or not, how they think, feel and prepare themselves.

Our job.... well, our job, as far as I can tell, is just to Love them.

Halloween, many moons ago. :)

We Are All Sisters

Yes, we are. Acknowledged or not.  Sisters of the Blood, Sisters of the Heart, Sisters of the Soul.  And we have brothers.  Why do we forget that really, we all came from the same place, and we will all go to the same end?  Birth, Life, Death.

What we do in the in-between....the Life part....that is what really matters.  The people, sisters, brothers you meet on your travels, enrich you, enlighten you.... some seem to help, some seem to hurt....but we Always Learn. 

It took me a long time to really Realize how interconnected we are.  Most of us don't live our lives in a vacuum.... even when we want to be alone.... we must poke our heads out of our turtle shells and tend to the business of life... work, groceries, eating and caring for our selves or our families. 

I thought that I always had to 'Do It Myself'.  And mainly, that's how I lived.  But sisters enrich us so... and not always the sisters we were born to.
Sisters that just 'connect' with you.  You can Feel the Click, like a seat belt being fastened, the sound of safety.
Sisters that touch your heart, that you feel extra caring of, that make you Feel the love you have inside you, and how you want to just pour it out upon them.

It amazes me that somehow we get caught up in the 'sister' in the next car over that cut us off, or the 'sister' that took an obscenely long time trying to order at the restaurant, because she wanted the cheeseburger, without the tomato, but could they put extra onions on, and then light mustard, but heavy mayo and and and.... after she dragged you there because they have 'the Best Food'. 

We must remember that we all do these things sometimes, maybe the one that cut us off was rushing to the hospital because her dad just had a heart attack, and she was only paying attention to the need to be there NOW.  I understand that. And someone who has to micromanage the kitchen and the way it prepares what she wants, well, maybe that is the only thing she feels she can control right now, what with 2 toddlers, a husband who travels for work and a weight issue.  We never know, but really, in some way or another, we've all been there.

So, at Christmas time, maybe we could remember a little more Peace On Earth, Goodwill To Men, and just, Let It Go.

Chaos

Origin:
1400–50; late Middle English < Latin < Greek; akin to chasm, yawn, gape

—Synonyms 1.  disarray, jumble, turmoil, tumult.

—Antonyms 1.  order, peace, calm.

 

I Will Not go back to That Place. I Will Not. Even if most things around me are in chaos, all jumbled up and confused, I have carved out a few things that, even though it takes careful thought, I have made Organized.  Like Where I put my debit card and license.  In My Purse.  EveryTime.  It has taken me Years to figure this out.  And I rarely lose it anymore. I try to Think about what I am doing. 

 

I Write on my calendar my appointments. I am much better about this, but I have already misplaced 2 calendar's this year. Not So Great. :( 

I Organize myself at work, I am diligent about it, I am persistant, I am.... well, I still find myself sometimes, in that 11th hour of work, scrambling. But I am totally aware of what I do that puts me behind. And I continue to work hard to bring that under control.

I don't know if all the chaos in my house, or in my head, or in my relationships is there because I think it is necessary.  It screens me from the true issues.

Yes, I have at least figured that out.

It makes me feel that I work best Under Pressure.  Only because I Must ....because I procrastinate, and wait until I Have To buckle down and get it done.

 

I still lose my keys, my purse, my glasses, on a regular basis.

Is this on purpose? Because then it forces someone to help me find them?

Hmmmm.... that is an interesting thought.  Because I always feel that I never have help, that always I must do things on my own.  Perhaps it forces me to Ask for Help.  Because I Must.

 

I cannot control everything.

Actually, I cannot control Anything.  Except me and My reactions.  Isn't that right? ;)

Yea, I thought so. Dang Logic.

 

So now, with this little sliding back, forgetting to pay a bill, being oh so late for an appointment.... I used to just cancel them, but I didn't with this one, I actually acknowledged that I had messed up, and went anyway. . . . Why did I do that? 

 

Organize, think straight, forethought, prepare, plan, and do. 

I think I need to make a Things I Need To Examine About Me list.

 

Oh goodness gracious, if I write it down, then I will have to do something about it.  How scary is That???

 

Call the Dr. and Keep the appointment.

Commit to School.

Eat better, and feed my brain, not my belly. :)

Learn....really, Learn to Meditate.

 

What a list. 

Begin.

Again.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Sometimes all you need is your friends.
And sometimes, just one.
To make your day happier, healthier (as in less stressful) and Complete.
I love those friends that I just Connect with.
The ones that just Get Me. The way I am, and if we end up not understanding, we can talk it out.
So great, so easy, so perfect.

That was my best present, getting to sit and talk, and share with my friend.
Sorry my hubby pouted a little, not too much though.
And my kids didn't ask to go, which was good.
I didn't really want to go out for my birthday and have to pay for everyone myself.  Kind of takes the gift out of it.

My Wonderful Auntie sang me the Birthday Song, as always, and I LOVE that.
My sisters sent me cards and texts, and that was great.
My brother called and said he loved me, and that was a surprize, since lately he's been quite short tempered.
And my mom, up in Heaven, well, she is always with me.  I know though, that it is only 1 more week now, till her deathday.  I remember thinking, when she died, ..... She never would have thought, on the night that I was born, that she would only live 49 years and a week from that day.  Would it have made a difference if she knew?  Probably. Maybe we wouldn't have had lazy shopping days, just sit around and do nothing days.  We would have had, I've got to get this done, and the time is running out days, full of stress and fear perhaps. 
I would have loved to have her longer, but this is what we got, and even if it's not as long as most, it's more than some, and it was the Plan. Not mine, but a greater Plan.

I also received tons of Birthday wishes on FaceBook, texts and emails.
And especially from people I really really love, like PF, that really means alot.

Even if Everyone doesn't love me, or understand me, or even want to..... Lots of people do, and that is the Plan, for now.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Mobile blogging....who knew??

From the book: Poems Of Today

HOUSEHOLD GODS

J.H. Macnair

The baby takes to her bed at night
A one-eyed rabbit that once was white;
A watch that came from a cracker, I think;
And a lidless inkpot that never held ink.
And the secret is locked in the tiny breast
Of why she loves these and leaves the rest.

And I give a loving glance as I go
To three brass pots on a shelf in a row;
To my grandfather's grandfather's loving-cup,
And a bandy-legged chair I once picked up.
And I can't, for the life of me, make you see
Why just these things are a part of me!


Poems Of Today
copyright 1924 Alice Cecilia Cooper

Digging

Digging into the past, whether you want to or not, becomes necessary sometimes. 
Like when you have to go through all the leftover papers and paid bills and grocery lists and receipts of someone else's life.
Like when they die.

It isn't intentional, that this mess is left, even when it is a neatly bundled, correctly filed, alphabetical order of 50 or so years of their life. All of their life. From the time they got married (and sometimes before) they bundle and wrap and file away all the bits, keeping them in order, then there is a catastrophe, like one of the two dies, and it becomes exceedingly anal, all the life insurance, every bit of correspondence, all of it.
Filed in boxed, shoved into Ziploc bags, bundled with rubber bands.
What do I do with bank statements and paid bills that are 20 years old. They can't help me now. Because the rest of the story....what the check was for, if it was a loan, if it got paid back, why the receipts were kept, the ink is faded, it is all a great big mystery.
Maybe the questions could be answered, but now the owner is no longer there, or has a debilitating disease, or has dementia, or.... a million other things.
The papers become nonsense.
Except.
That they have a story too.  A trail, a telling of the events in a life. The camping stickers, when the family went to Mackinac.  The warranty on the flute when the daughter was in high school.  The program from the play that the sister was in. The times, the memories, though unable to be embellished, those stories are there, and locked away, only in the memories of the players.
Do you remember when we.....
That's when Daddy did.....
Remember that time when she was rushed to the hospital for....

One great big remember party.  Without the guest of honor.

Spring

Spring.  Warm weather, new life, damp air and sunshine.  New, begin again, or just.... Begin. 
Snow is melting and the sun is out, the icicles are dripping and the crocus are pushing out.  So many things we want to do, why don't we just start, instead of waiting.
Spring...jump off, dive in, live life.....Be Brave.

Words, phrases, life.

This blog is awesome and uplifting for me.

all i did was listen

She has beautiful drawings, with meaningful insights.