Time is Relative, relatively speaking....

Long long time, not so long, seems like yesterday and seems like forever
Things change, but things also stay the same, as in, the same rut, the same
circle, the same relationship foibles and fears.

Yes, I'm rambling, but why, so much to say, not so much time left
I've come to the realization that really, my life is heading for the proverbial sunset
the final years, the settling down and living peacefully, and I'm not ready.... is anyone
ever really ready? I have no idea... I've been all wrapped up in my little dysfunctional world
where I think I can make a difference to discover that really... no....
I have these grand illusions that my life will be one day,
a little cottage by the sea.... or a lake even... with my crafts, and my gardening and my books
and time to do the things I want to do, be a good friend, take things to people, see their
delighted smiles, cultivate friendships that have lain fallow

alas, I am so lacking in the real world
these are things I should be doing now
that maybe I do, but to a way lesser extent
I wanted to wait until my life was perfect, and sane, and done with demands
from responsibilities....
I just wanted to do it 'cause I wanted to do it
and live cozily by the sea
sweeping sand from the doorsills
having my children stop by for coffee and a chat
and bring their bright eyed little children
who were perfectly behaved and loved their gramma

i'm so silly sometimes

as if it were a practice run, and this time i'll get it right

it wasn't
I won't
I just need to try harder
for the moment, for the now
and make the desires of my heart
a reality
in a real
living
breathing
present
world.

amen

#theendisnigh #wishes #dreams #runningonempty