Today

It seems like I didn't do much today, slept a lot, actually fell back asleep and didn't wake up til late... so unproductive of me... Bad Bad Bad

But if I think about it really, I just didn't do much Tasking.  Like cleaning, or washing, or rearranging. 

I actually had a little chat with an old friend who is now a surgeon, just starting his practice, and had the chance to remind him that he is missed, he is thought well of, and that there is a plan for him, even with kinks and bumps in the road.

I found my dress pants.... ;)  and wore them, to the funeral home.  To see an old old friend, well, his family really, since it was his funeral. 

I did manage to put a chicken pot pie in the oven for dinner. 
I talked to my in-laws.
Talked to a man about selling an old van we have. (he'll be back tomorrow)
Wished my cousin a Happy Birthday on FB, and sent her a couple reminders of the 'old days'.
Paid a bill that was late.
Reset some banking passwords so I could get into the account, finally.
Talked to another friend about meditation class, and how we can get together next week.

And have been thinking about how all kinds of old friends come out to see someone that has died.  I used to think that was weird, but I see now it is a way of reconnecting.  To the days that have gone by, when we were young, and carefree and pure.  Well, as pure as elementary school children are... Those memories we have locked up in our hearts and our heads start bubbling to the surface when poked by death.  The I remembers, and Do you remembers start breaking through, and then we can TALK about them, with the people that Actually remember .... It is really so much fun, and so trip back in time-ish....

And of course, everyone doesn't remember everything, or was even involved in Every Thing, but the ambiance, the reminiscence, the purity of the time comes back, and for a moment, bathes you in the freshness of your own innocence.  So sweet, so touching.... Thank  you Jeff. <3

I guess I did do a little today, good for me.

when it hits

I ran into a friend today... one I don't see often anymore, but one that I have watched grow and blossom and come into her own, without so much pushing. 
And she is Happy.... and she feels Happy, and blessed, and empowered. 

Yes, I am older than she... I could probably be her mom... but that is a perk of working in a place where age is not the biggest detriment, or barrier.... so we are friends, and I learned A Lot from her, about technology, about how to Not act around people, how to be tolerant... and  how to just listen sometimes.... without judging. :) 

I walked away feeling more Open, if you will, more ready to realize my own potential, and not just realize it... but to feel that I deserve it... and that I can not only Ask for it, but actually Expect it to Be. 

What really rang true for me today, no matter how many times I have heard it is, I Am the One who Controls my feelings, my emotional state, my physical state,  My Health, My Welfare, My Being.  Really... Me. 

Of course, kids and husbands and friends can all contribute to that state, but they don't Govern it.  I am happy when my kids are happy, and love to buy things for my husband that he likes.... it makes Me Happy.  

Sadly, I have noticed lately that it is Automatic in me.... I know he likes it, so I get it... and a little part of me says.... He doesn't deserve it... because I don't feel the same 'consideration' from him. 

Now truly... I don't give to get... but if the warm smiling feelings no longer pop up when I am doing something special for someone I love, then does that mean that I don't really want to do them??.  They take so much time, effort and emotion from me sometimes... because I guess I do have an expectation that they will be appreciated, and when they aren't.... or are never even acknowledged, it is hurtful. 

There really is so much more to explore about this, but for now, let me just say, that I've learned... or really taken in, the lesson that I am the one that has the say in how happy I am, how clean my house is, how joyful my life.  Even if it doesn't sound like it, that is a really huge step for me.... I guess I just needed the warm up before I was ready for the pitch.

allididwaslisten.blogspot.com

rachel awes art is AWESome  :)

Who Knew??

Doing things I've never done, seeing things I've never seen, feeling things I've never felt and trying things I've never tried.  It doesn't seem like you should be my age before all this gets done.... Wouldn't you think that if childhood, or teenhood experiences had been more broad, it would have opened my eyes more, made me realize I had Different Options.... ?

Instead of feeling like always stumbling along in the dark, looking for the bright spot to shine through, and not even knowing what it was, what could be, what opportunites awaited....

Oh my...

just thoughts, and feelings

and experiences

and     freedom to choose, and to be and to learn.  :) 

Talk to Me please......

Oh My Goodness.   Sometimes I just want to cry.  People can be so mean, and strike out with such hateful, cruel, untruths sometimes... I know it is just a defense mechanism... insecurity in their own abilities, their own person hood, their own perception of their place in life wreaks havoc with self-confidence.

That is so sad... I really do not understand why .... if they are confused or upset, they just don't Ask what is happening, try to stay in communication, listen and actually hear what is going on in the other people's minds and hearts.... Most of the time it is a false perception.... and it's on Both sides. 

I would like to think that Understanding, empathy and compassion are much more effective than name-calling, blaming and taking things out of context. 

Don't we all love each other? Don't we just want to be able to live our lives in peace and harmony as God's children?  We want to help, not harm, we want to understand, not judge, we want to enjoy our children, our parents our friends, and be as helpful as we can to those less fortunate.... and by helping them, I do not mean doing it For them. ;)
We want to discover our passion, follow our bliss, and enlighten others along the way. 

We have a need to Find our Joy.

And I should be happy for You, as You should be happy for me.  We don't intentionally try to hurt each other, but with miscommunication and misunderstanding and conclusion jumping it just becomes one big convoluted mess. 

I don't have to agree with you.  You don't have to agree with me. If you judge me, I will forgive you, because somehow your experience and feelings regarding yourself is what you are really judging.... you just see it in me.

But can't we Empathize with each other?  If we are all adults, then we have the same rights. To love and be loved.... but we don't do that by taking away from others because we can't find it in ourselves....

And if we can't find it in ourselves, someone else can't do it for us.

No amount of giving of Myself will allow You to find your true happiness. 
I know some people don't understand this, but I really hope that one day, all the hurtful blaming and misperception and resentment that causes their hearts to ache with discontent, be it lack of education, money, job security or a soul to soul relationship.... or any of the things that they feel entitled to, .... one day, they can realize, that it must be their own doing, their own path, their own hard work that will fill them with joy.

Not Mine.

And I myself need to realize, that as much as I love and adore them, any amount of enabling of them is not good for them, and their growth as a fully formed, well rounded member of society.
Trying to explain something they do not understand, only makes me frustrated. 
You can charm me, you can cajole me, you can even guilt me..... but that is My issue, and I will do my best, with the help of God, to do what is right. 
That does not mean giving you every piece of my heart, my soul, my life so that you can scarf it down and ask for more, because it was easy for you.
 
It isn't easy for me to learn, to earn, to live and love..... It is my own hard work, my own sorrow, my own life blood, my own triumphs that go into food for my soul, for my heart.  I give you all that is possible, and I try and teach you, and hope you learn the rest.

I am sorry you are so sad.... you have the methods and the tools to get to the bottom of your pain.  My tools won't work for you, we each have our own personalized set.

I love you, I adore you, and I hope one day all the extraneous noise of the world will fade away and you can find your true self.

My Son is 17 Today

I don't think we ever actually see the moment our child, our baby is 'grown'.  It happens all along the way, in small little steps that we reinforce or thwart.  Every action is cumulative, building one upon the other. Positive, negative, neutral. Like snowflakes, never one alike, close, but never exactly the same. 

We can look back and see the path, and sometimes, we can see bits and pieces of what is coming, if we have enough foresight to look forward, but the end result, ever changing, circumstance, genetics, experience, nurturing, create an unknown finale. 

It isn't really chance, but more a preordained direction, on a road with twists and turns interlacing with all the other children's journey's.

Quite profound when you think about it, and quite not as in our control as we would like to think.  Oh, we can bathe in the imagined guilt of our own influence when it turns out 'bad', and bask in the light of our our pride when it turns out 'good'.  But really, who is the only one who has the control?  The child and the person he becomes, his choices, his talents and his intuition.  Just as we were formed, so then they.

Perhaps we need to just relax a bit, and not take so much responsibility for the way we imagine we are making their lives turn out.  The foundation we start them with, our entwined genetic code, who we choose as a mate, is probably the most determining factor on how they perceive the world, how they choose to act, or not, how they think, feel and prepare themselves.

Our job.... well, our job, as far as I can tell, is just to Love them.

Halloween, many moons ago. :)